The New Howell Theater

presents

A Canterbury Tale

A Short Comedy Screenplay

by

Ronald L. Ecker


Based on "The Canterbury Tales"
by Geoffrey Chaucer



Copyright 2009 by Ronald L. Ecker
All Rights Reserved



Log line: Two college boys, eager to prove they can outwit a miller who’s notorious for cheating his customers, take a sackful of grain to his mill for grinding. The miller also has a horny wife and daughter.






The New Howell Theater











               FADE IN:

               EXT. A WATER MILL (ENGLAND) - DAY (1400 A.D.)

               The mill with its water wheel is by a picturesque brook.  

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Near Cambridge there's a brook, at
                         Trumpington, / And there's a bridge
                         that stands above the run, / And 
                         by that brook there stands a water
                         mill. / Now it's the truth I'd tell
                         you, and I will.

               INT. MILL - DAY

               The brawny miller SIMKIN, 45, slyly pilfers flour into a bowl
               as the millstone grinds wheat.  A waiting CUSTOMER, 50-ish,
               sits dozing on the other side of the hopper.  

                                    NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         A miller there had dwelt for many a
                         day, / And he would steal much corn
                         and meal, the way / He'd give short
                         measure, charge too high a toll -

               INT. MILL - DAY (LATER)

               Simkin looks insulted as the angry customer looks in his bag
               of flour.

                                    NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         Then bluster and deny he ever stole.    

               EXT. MILL -DAY

               Simkin carries the customer - upright with his feet off the
               ground, and holding his bag of flour - to the brook and
               throws him in. 

               EXT. UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE - DAY 

               20-ish college students JOHN and ALAN come happily out of a
               building, Alan with a sack of wheat.  They are followed out
               by a 50-ish WARDEN of the school.

               With thankful gestures to the warden, John and Alan go to a
               tethered horse named BAYARD.  During this,

                                    NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         One day two Cambridge students
                         dared to ask / If they might be
                         entrusted with the task / Of taking
                         to the mill the college corn / To 
                         have it ground, both of them having
                         sworn / That Simkin wouldn't steal
                         one ounce.

               EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY 

               John and Alan ride along on trotting Bayard, John with the
               reins, Alan with the sack of wheat.

                                    NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         Agreed, / The two set out upon the
                         warden's steed.

               EXT. MILL - DAY 

               Simkin, with a large knife in his belt, sits mending some
               fish nets as John and Alan arrive on Bayard.  

               Simkin rises from his nets as John and Alan dismount.

                                   JOHN
                         Hail, miller!  Faith abound, sir!

               INT. A MILL WINDOW - DAY

               Simkin's 40-ish wife ALICE looks out a window at John and
               Alan.  She looks pleasantly surprised.

                                   SIMKIN (O.S.)
                         Welcome, by my life!  You boys are
                         from Cambridge?

               EXT. MILL - DAY

               Simkin, John, and Alan as before.

                                   ALAN
                         Indeed, sir.  I am Alan, this is
                         John.  And we take it that you,
                         sir, are Simkin.  

                                   SIMKIN
                         At your service.  I'm delighted to
                         see two fresh faces bring corn from
                         your fine university.

                                   JOHN
                         We wanted so much to meet you.  How
                         are you, Simkin, and your wife and -

               Before John can finish, he and Alan both see, with clearly
               pleasant surprise, the miller's pretty daughter MOLLY, 20,
               washing clothes in the brook.  

               Molly stops work to smile at them coyly, while flaunting her
               ample bosom. 

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                         - lovely daughter?

                                   SIMKIN
                         They are both as fine as can be.

                                   JOHN
                         I can see that they are.  I mean,
                         where is the wife?

                                   SIMKIN 
                         Alice is somewhere inside.  Go
                         ahead and tether your horse.  We'll
                         go in and start with the grinding.

               INT. MILL - DAY

               Simkin starts the wheat going into the hopper above the
               millstone, while John looks on.  Alan gets down by the
               trough. 

                                   JOHN
                         If you don't mind, Simkin, I'll
                         stand right here by the hopper, 
                         to watch the wheat go in.  I've
                         never seen how this works.

                                   ALAN
                         John, by my faith, I'm as ill a
                         miller as you!  I'll watch the
                         flour go into the trough.  I've
                         never seen the like.

               Simkin smirks with confidence as he listens to them.

               EXT. MILL - DAY

               Simkin comes out of the mill, glancing back inside as if 
               to be sure he's not being watched.

               INT. MILL - DAY

               John and Alan confer while the grinding proceeds.

                                   ALAN
                         We've got that corn thief outsmarted
                         for sure.  He's given up and gone out
                         the door.

                                   JOHN
                         My God, did you see that daughter
                         of his?

                                   ALAN
                         There are no jugs like that in all
                         the town of Cambridge.

               EXT. MILL - DAY

               Simkin unbridles Bayard.  He turns the horse to face a
               neighboring field beyond the trees, and gives him a hard 
               slap on the rump.

               Bayard takes off for the field.  Simkin watches, then goes
               back inside, leaving the bridle where Bayard was tethered.

               INT. MILL - DAY

               John watches the hopper, and Alan the trough.  They gesture
               that all is going well to the returning Simkin.

               INT. MILL - LIVING QUARTERS - DAY

               Molly peeks through a door at John and Alan, who are busy
               keeping eyes on Simkin and their grain.

               Alice sits nursing a six-month-old BABY.

                                   MOLLY
                         Those are good-looking lads, aren't
                         they, Mum?

                                   ALICE
                         That they are.  But, Molly, those
                         Cambridge boys all become priests. 
                         We must find you a merchant to
                         marry.

                                   MOLLY
                         And when is the last time a merchant
                         was here?

                                   ALICE
                         I am going to write to your aunt,
                         about you going to London to visit
                         her.  Hopefully to make a big
                         catch.  Till then, keep your mind
                         off the likes of those boys.

               Alice sighs as if her mind is on them.

               INT. MILL - DAY 

               John and Alan look on as Simkin finishes sacking their flour.

                                   SIMKIN
                         Here you go, mates - every ounce
                         that you brought.

               John takes some coins from a purse, while Alan proceeds
               outside.

                                   JOHN
                         Here is your fee, sir.

               EXT. MILL - DAY

               Alan discovers that Bayard is gone.  Seeing the bridle, he
               looks desperately around.

                                   ALAN
                         John!  The horse is gone!

               John comes out of the mill with the sack, Simkin following.

                                   JOHN
                         What's that, Alan?

                                   ALAN
                         Bayard!  The warden's horse!  He's
                         gone!

               John drops the sack and looks around with Alan.  

                                   SIMKIN
                         You didn't bridle him very well,
                         lads.

               Molly and Alice come out of the living quarters.

                                   ALICE
                         What's all the commotion?

                                   SIMKIN
                         The lads' horse has run off.  He
                         wasn't properly bridled.

               John points toward the neighboring field.

                                   JOHN
                         He must have gone that way.

                                   WIFE
                         There are horses in yonder field. 
                         If he finds a good mare, you may
                         have trouble getting him back.

                                   ALAN
                         Come on, John, let's go look for
                         him.

               John and Alan go running for the field.  Simkin and the women
               watch.  Simkin laughs.

                                   SIMKIN
                         They'll be gone for a while.  For
                         all of their learning, two students 
                         let a miller outwit them!  You two
                         take some of their flour, half a 
                         bushel.  Go bake us a cake with it.

                                   DAUGHTER
                         But, Father, it isn't our flour.

                                   SIMKIN
                         Half a bushel of it is.  Go do as 
                         I say.

               EXT. THE FIELD - DAY

               John and Alan chase Bayard, as he trots around with A MARE. 
               He obviously doesn't want to be caught.

               INT. MILL - LIVING QUARTERS - DAY

               Alice kneads dough for the cake.  Simkin gestures for Molly to
               hand him the sack of remaining flour, which she does.

                                   SIMKIN
                         I shall return their sack where
                         they dropped it.  I wonder how 
                         the chase goes.

               EXT. FIELD - DAY

               John and Alan wearily chase Bayard, who follows the frolicking
               mare.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - DAY

               Alice rocks the baby's cradle while Molly bakes the cake.

                                   MOLLY
                         I might as well be in a nunnery.

                                   ALICE
                         I was raised in a nunnery, dear. 
                         It is a good and proper place.

                                   MOLLY
                         How did you wind up with Father?

                                   ALICE
                         No matter how well we are raised,
                         we have no control over natural
                         disasters.

               EXT. FIELD - DAY (NEAR SUNSET)

               John and Alan, worn out, sit staring at Bayard, who nuzzles
               the mare.  

               The boys rise slowly and inch toward Bayard, but he warily
               moves away an equal distance.

               EXT. MILL - NIGHT

               Simkin sits singing by a fire.  John and Alan come trudging
               out of the night with Bayard in tow.    

                                   SIMKIN
                         Ah!  You caught him, lads.  After
                         he caught him a mare, I'll bet.

                                   JOHN
                         We are in a fix, Simkin.  If we
                         head back for Cambridge tonight, 
                         we could be set on by robbers.

                                   SIMKIN
                         Yes, lads, it's true the woods are
                         full of thieves.

                                   ALAN
                         Could you put us up for tonight? 
                         We'll pay you in the morning, for
                         the lodging and something to eat.  

                                   SIMKIN
                         Of course.  Alice will cook us a
                         goose.  There's plenty of ale, and 
                         we'll make enough room for an extra
                         bed you can share.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - NIGHT

               In the one-room, candlelit quarters, Simkin, Alice, Molly,
               John and Alan dine on goose, bread, and ale.  

               Simkin is already half-drunk on the ale, and Alice is not 
               far behind.  

               While Simkin talks, the students and women, sitting across
               from each other, exchange thinly veiled looks of desire as
               they sup.

                                   SIMKIN
                         The old man is suddenly stricken
                         blind.  Now he's more jealous than 
                         ever, he won't let his young bride 
                         out of his sight.  Well, he doesn't 
                         have any sight, being blind, but he 
                         keeps her under his thumb.  Now he 
                         takes this young bride for a walk
                         in the garden each day.  She's in
                         love with a handsome young page,
                         and he hides in the garden.  But
                         her blind husband won't turn loose
                         of the girl for a second.  So she
                         motions for the page to climb up in
                         a tree.  So he's up in this tree. 
                         Then she looks up and tells the old
                         man, "Oh, I must have some of those
                         apples I see."  

                                   JOHN
                         She sees two pink apples hanging
                         out of the tree.

               John nudges Alan as they laugh.  The women smile.

                                   SIMKIN
                         So the blind old man helps boost
                         his wife up into the tree.  But
                         she's not picking apples.  She and
                         the page start going at it up there
                         in the tree limbs.

                                   ALAN
                         The wife says, "Look at that crooked
                         limb!"

               John playfully gives Alan a shove.

                                   SIMKIN
                         Now some fairies in the garden are
                         watching, and to have some fun,
                         they cause the old man to suddenly
                         regain his sight.  He looks up and
                         sees what's happening.  He shouts
                         this and that, but his wife comes
                         down and says, "How dare you scold
                         me!  That's the thanks that I get? 
                         I was told that the best way to
                         restore your sight was to screw
                         with a man in a tree.  And it
                         worked!"

               EXT. MILL - NIGHT 

               Bayard stands tethered.  He looks off toward the moonlit
               field.  He sighs as if in frustration.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - NIGHT

               John and Alan deposit Simkin, passed out, on Simkin's and
               Alison's bed.  It's a straw mattress, its head to the wall,
               across from the front door.  

               Alice is half-drunk, slurring her speech.

                                   ALICE
                         Thank you, lads, he's a load when
                         he's drunk like that.

                                   JOHN
                         Yes, Simkin is one heavy fellow.

                                   ALICE
                         Don't I know it.  And mostly dead
                         weight.  Now to bed, you two, and
                         I'll blow out the candles.

               John goes to a second bed by the wall, a few feet away from
               the miller's.  John looks across the room at Molly, already
               in her bed near the door.  She gives him a pretty smile.

               Alan lingers by Alice to watch her remove Simkin's shoes.

                                   ALICE (cont'd)
                             (confidentially, to Alan)
                         He has rather small feet for a man
                         his size, doesn't he?  I could
                         comment more on proportions, but 
                         I shan't.

                                   ALAN
                         Did you know, madam, that feet is
                         used in the Bible as a euphemism
                         for the sexual organs?

                                   ALICE
                         Why, no.  A what for the organs?

                                   ALAN
                         Euphemism.  That's the kind of
                         thing we learn while at Cambridge.

                                   ALICE
                         How to use feet on your organs?  
                         To bed with you.

               Alan goes to get in bed with John.

                                   MOLLY
                         Good night, John and Alan.

                                   JOHN & ALAN
                             (simultaneously)
                         Good night, Molly.

               Alice leans down to the baby in the cradle at the foot of her
               and Simkin's bed.

                                   ALICE
                         Good night, little one.  Sweet
                         dreams till the morning.

               Alice walks about, a bit unsteadily, to blow out the candles.

                                   ALICE (cont'd)
                         Good night, all.

                                   MOLLY
                         Good night, Mum.

                                   JOHN
                         Good night, madam.

                                   ALAN
                         Good night.

               Alice blows out the last candle, leaving the room in total
               darkness.

                                   ALICE
                         Now if I can just find the cradle,
                         I know where my bed is.

               EXT. MILL - NIGHT 

               Dark but for moonlight.  Bayard stands tethered in front.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - NIGHT

               In the total darkness, Simkin and Alice can be heard loudly
               snoring, in alteration as if choreographed.

               A circle of normal lighting opens up on the screen, so that
               John and Alan can be seen, lying awake in their bed.

                                   JOHN
                         Have you ever heard such a sound?

               They hear Simkin break wind.

                                   ALAN
                         I've heard that sound before.

                                   JOHN
                         I didn't know you could fart in
                         your sleep.

                                   ALAN
                         Don't try it tonight.

                                   JOHN
                         Tonight I'm going to try something
                         else.  You know that miller stole
                         some of our flour.  We'll be called
                         fools by the warden, and all of our
                         friends will find out.  Well I'm
                         going to get some satisfaction.
                         And I'm going to get it over there 
                         in Molly's bed.  

                                   ALAN
                         You better think twice, John.  That
                         miller is a dangerous man.  

                                   JOHN
                         What's he going to know?  He's dead
                         to the world until morning.  Well,
                         here goes, Alan.  Wish me luck.

               The circle of light closes, leaving all again in darkness.

               After a pause, a circle of light again opens, this time on
               Molly's bed.  Lying awake, Molly looks alarmed as someone
               joins her.  

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                         It's me, Molly.  John.

               Molly looks relieved.

                                   MOLLY
                         John, what are you doing?

                                   JOHN
                         You're so lovely.  Molly, how would
                         you like to be . . . exposed . . .
                         to the ways of a Cambridge man?  

                                   MOLLY
                         What ways are those?

                                   JOHN
                         I'll be happy to show you, one by one.

               The circle of light closes.

               EXT. MILL - NIGHT

               Dark in the moonlight.  Bayard stands sleeping where he's
               tethered.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - NIGHT 

               Pitch black.  The circle of light opens on John and Molly
               making love.  The circle closes, then opens on waking Alice,
               Simkin snoring beside her.  Alice groggily gets out of bed. 

               Finding the cradle with her groping hand, she leans down 
               to the sleeping baby.

                                   ALICE (O.S.)
                         Sleep tight, little one.  I'm just
                         going out to piss.

               The circle of light closes, then opens again on John and
               Molly making love.  They stop, John hiding under the
               covers, as Alice comes by, feeling her way to the door.

                                   ALICE (cont'd)
                         Molly, you're breathing so heavily. 
                         Are you all right?

                                   MOLLY
                         Yes, Mum.  I had to go outside, and
                         just got back.

               Alice proceeds out the door, the circle of light closing.

               The circle of light opens on Alan in his bed.  He looks
               frustrated, then seems to get an idea.

               Alan gets out of bed and feels his way to the cradle a few
               feet away.  He picks up the cradle and carries it to the foot
               of his bed.  He gets back in bed.

               The circle of light closes.  There is the sound of Alice
               bumping her way back toward bed in the total darkness.

                                   ALICE
                         Ah, here is my baby's cradle.

               The circle opens as Alice unwittingly gets in bed with Alan,
               who is lying on his side facing her.  She tiredly plops her
               hand down by Alan - and feels something unexpected.

                                   ALICE (cont'd)
                         My God, what is that?

                                   ALAN
                         Does the miller have anything 
                         like it?

                                   ALICE
                         Not by a good five inches.

               The circle closes, darkness returning.

                                   ALAN
                         I never go grinding without it.

               EXT. THE HORIZON - DAY (EARLY DAWN)

               The first glow of sunrise.

               INT. LIVING QUARTERS - DAY (EARLY DAWN)

               Very dim light.  Simkin wakes up, but only momentarily.  He
               covers his head to go back to sleep.

               In the neighboring bed, Alan and Alice grind away, as quietly
               as possible, under the covers.

               John lies with Molly in her bed across the room.

                                   JOHN
                         The sun's coming up.  I better go
                         get back with Alan before your
                         parents wake up.  Sweet Molly,
                         farewell.  It's been wonderful.  

                                   MOLLY
                         Farewell, Johnny.  I'll never forget 
                         you.  Listen, my father stole part
                         of your flour.  He made me and Mum 
                         bake a cake.  I'll hand it to you 
                         out the mill's back door when you 
                         leave.  Then I'll tell him you must 
                         have stolen it.

                                   JOHN
                         Thank you so much, my sweet.  I can
                         go back to Cambridge triumphant.

               John kisses her, then gets out of bed.

               John looks distracted by bliss and lack of sleep as he walks
               quietly toward the other two beds.  The only light is from
               the dawn outside the windows.

               John stops, looking confused by the location of the cradle. 

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                             (to himself)
                         I could swear that . . .

               John looks at the amorous play under the covers of the bed
               where the cradle sits.  Then he looks at the smallish foot
               sticking out from under the covers of the other bed.

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                             (amused, to himself)
                         Poor little Alan.  He completely
                         missed out tonight.

               Squatting down to the foot, John tickles the bottom of it. 
               Its owner, whose head is under the covers, grunts and shakes
               the foot.   

               John chuckles and gets in the bed.  Simkin is sleeping on his
               side, his back to John.

               John pokes the covered-up Simkin.

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                         Hey Alan, it looks like Simkin over
                         there woke up from his stupor.  

               No response.  John grabs Simkin and shakes him.

                                   JOHN (cont'd)
                         Listen, you poor sack of meal.
                         Tonight I screwed his daughter
                         three times.

               Simkin's eyes are open wide as he pulls the covers from his
               face, which John can't see.  

                                   SIMKIN
                         Huh?

                                   JOHN
                         I had Molly three times.  I was
                         hoping that you'd have that damn
                         miller's wife.  But she's busy.      

               Simkin turns and looks at John, whose jaw drops.

                                   SIMKIN
                         You've screwed my daughter, you say?

                                   JOHN
                         No, I was joking.

               Simkin looks at the bed where Alan and Alice play under the
               covers.

                                   SIMKIN
                         And what's going on over there?

               John starts to get up, but Simkin grabs him.  

                                   SIMKIN (cont'd)
                         Molest my daughter, will you?  I'll
                         kill you and that Alan both.

               John struggles mightily, but Simkin holds on to him.

                                   SIMKIN (cont'd)
                         You wait till I get my knife, you
                         Cambridge curs.

               John slugs Simkin in the nose.  Simkin turns loose of him.

               John hurries to the other bed and yanks the covers off of
               Alan and Alice.  Simkin, nose bleeding, grabs his knife by
               his bed.  

                                   JOHN
                         Alan, let's go!  He's after us!  

               John turns to see Simkin charge with the knife.  John grabs
               the wrist of the hand holding the knife.  Struggling, John
               and Simkin fall on top of Alan and Alice, who screams. 

               John and Simkin roll around wrestling on the floor.  Alan
               jumps up to help John.  Alice covers up in a quandary.

                                   ALICE
                         Simkin, I thought that boy was you! 
                         I've been tricked!

               Simkin wields the knife as John and Alan try to subdue him. 
               John bites Simkin's hand and he drops the knife.  

               Simkin throws Alan against a wooden counter, smashing it,
               pots and pans crashing, one hitting Alan in the head.

               John tries to run for it, but Simkin grabs him.  Alan gets up
               rubbing his head. 

               Alice is up, half-clothed, and grabs a long staff as John and
               Simkin wrestle.  Molly watches in distress.

                                   ALICE (cont'd)
                         Hold him, Simkin, while I club the
                         young wretch!

               Alice raises the staff to strike.  John ducks, Alan stands
               clear, and Alice clobbers Simkin on top of the head.

               Simkin falls semiconscious.  Alan grabs their sack of flour
               that sits by the door.

                                   ALAN
                         John, I've got the flour.  Let's go!

               John and Alan run out the door.

               EXT. MILL - DAY (SUNRISE)

               John and Alan quickly mount Bayard.

                                   JOHN
                         Molly will have us some cake at the
                         mill's back door.

                                   ALAN
                         This is no time to eat cake!

               They ride around the mill to the back.  Molly comes out the
               back door and hands John the cake.

                                   JOHN
                         Farewell again, sweet Molly!

                                   MOLLY
                         Goodbye.

               Simkin, holding his bleeding head, staggers out the front
               door of the living quarters.  

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         And so that thieving miller took 
                         a beating, / And didn't keep one
                         ounce for all his cheating. 

               John and Alan come riding by from the back of the mill.  
 
               Simkin grabs for the horse's reins, but Alan clubs him in 
               the head with the sack of flour, knocking him down, as 
               John and Alan ride past.  

               Alice and Molly hurry to Simkin's aid.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.) (cont'd)
                         His wife was lain with, Molly too.
                         That's how / It is for millers who
                         are false!  And now / -

               EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

               John and Alan ride on their merry way with their cake and
               flour.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         This proverb's truly said and
                         understood: / -

               EXT. MILL - DAY

               Alice and Molly comfort bleeding Simkin as he sits on the
               ground. 

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         "Who does bad things should not
                         expect some good."             

                                                              FADE OUT.

                                   THE END









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