Copyright 2009 by Ronald L. Ecker
All Rights Reserved
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT
Nerdy, slightly pudgy college student NATHAN GOOCH, 22, lies
on his bed studying a biology textbook.
His handsome roommate LEW HANDY, 22, walks in. Sharply
dressed as if for a hot date, Lew is the opposite of Nathan
in terms of sex appeal and a confident bearing.
Lew sits down on the other bed and leans toward Nathan, who
seems to know what's coming.
LEW
Look, Nathan, would you mind
sleeping on the couch tonight?
NATHAN
Again?
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's a modest, two-room apartment with bath. Nathan lies
under a blanket on the couch. He listens sullenly in the
dark to SOUNDS OF PASSION in the bedroom.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY (MORNING)
Nathan sips coffee at the table with his open biology book.
Lew comes out of the bedroom with his book bag.
LEW
Well, I'm off to class. Sure wish
I could sleep in, though.
NATHAN
Ever wonder why lizards do push
ups?
LEW
Lizards do push-ups?
NATHAN
Yeah. The anole lizard, like this
one.
Nathan shows Lew a lizard picture in the book.
NATHAN
And they fan out the skin flaps
under their chins.
LEW
Okay, why do they do it?
NATHAN
It's a male, trying to attract a
female lizard. It's the same
reason a peacock spreads his tail,
displaying all those colorful
feathers. He's telling some
female, "Look at what good genes
I have."
LEW
That could be a pretty good line.
I think I'll try it.
NATHAN
What?
LEW
Look at what good genes I have.
INT. COLLEGE DINING HALL - DAY
Students dine. Lew sits down with some food, catercornered
across the table from pretty COLLEGE GIRL #1 and another
girl.
The other girl gets up to go get something. Girl #1 notices
Lew and smiles politely. Lew smiles back.
LEW
Look at what good genes I have.
Girl #1 chuckles.
GIRL #1
I'm impressed.
LEW
You haven't seen anything yet.
Want to see me spread my tail?
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT
Nathan lies almost asleep when Lew sits down on the other bed
and leans over to him.
LEW
Hey, Nathan...
NATHAN
I know. The couch again.
LEW
That genes line worked.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
Students move about.
Nathan, eating lunch on the grass with his book bag beside
him, looks lovesick as he watches pretty girls go by.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nathan silently reads his biology book,
NATHAN (V.O.)
"Male gray tree frogs with the
longest mating calls attract
the most females. Male satin
bowerbirds compete for females
by decorating bowers to display
and by doing songs and dances."
Nathan closes the book with disgust.
NATHAN
That's what I need. A song and
dance.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Nathan, hands clasped behind his head, lies on the bed and
stares at the ceiling.
NATHAN (V.O.)
"Ever wonder why lizards do push
ups?"
Nathan gets a determined look on his face.
NATHAN
If lizards can do it, so can I.
INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY - DAY
Nathan sits with a book at a table. COLLEGE GIRL #2 sits
studying to his right.
Nathan seems reluctant to try something. Then he goes
ahead: He starts doing push-ups on the table from his
seated position.
Girl #2 watches him with interest.
GIRL #2
What are you doing?
Nathan stops in the middle of a push-up and smiles at her.
NATHAN
Trying to get a female's attention.
The girl chuckles.
GIRL #2
I think you've succeeded.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lew arrives, apparently from a night on the town. He is
stunned to find a handwritten sign on the closed bedroom
door that reads,
"LEW, PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
(WINK, WINK)
THANKS, NATHAN."
Lew puts his ear to the door. He shakes his head with a
smile as he turns away.
INT. COLLEGE - INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY LAB - DAY
Nathan sits at a computer. COLLEGE GIRL #3 sits at a
computer to his left.
Nathan starts making a cooing sound like a pigeon. Girl #3
looks at him with fascination. He smiles at her.
INT. BEDROOM DOOR - NIGHT
A sign on the closed door reads,
"LEW, PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
(WINK, WINK SOME MORE)
NATHAN."
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Nathan sits at the dining table helping College Girls #2 and
#3 with their studies. The girls are close on either side
of him.
Lew comes in. He doesn't seem to like what he sees as he
walks past to the bedroom. Concerned, Nathan rises.
NATHAN
Excuse me a minute, girls.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Lew plops down on his bed. Nathan comes in.
NATHAN
What's wrong, Lew? You look like
you're mad about something.
LEW
Oh, I'm not mad. I like sleeping
on the couch.
NATHAN
I've slept on it too, you know.
LEW
Yeah, but before, you couldn't even
get a date. Now you've got girls
fighting over you.
There's a sudden COMMOTION in the other room.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Nathan and Lew come out of the bedroom to find Girls #2 and
#3 in a catfight.
LEW
See what I mean?
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lew sits snuggled on the couch with COLLEGE GIRL #4. Nathan
arrives.
NATHAN
Hi.
Lew watches resentfully, the girl with fascination, as Nathan
walks backwards all the way across the room into the bedroom.
GIRL #4
Why was he walking backwards?
LEW
It's a bird thing. He said he once
saw a male parakeet walk backwards
to try to impress a female parakeet.
Just ignore him. Don't pay any
attention to anything he does.
Nathan comes back out of the bedroom. Still walking backwards,
he trips against the coffee table and falls flat on his back.
The girl jumps up and rushes to Nathan. Kneeling down, she
puts her hands on Nathan with concern, while Lew lividly
watches from the couch.
GIRL #4
You poor thing. Are you all right?
Nathan sits up.
NATHAN
Yeah, I think so.
The girl looks at Nathan adoringly.
GIRL #4
Walking backwards like a parakeet.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY (THE NEXT MORNING)
Lew sits staring coldly at Nathan across the dining table
while Nathan eats his cereal.
LEW
You've gone too far, Nathan.
Trying to steal my girl.
NATHAN
I wasn't trying to steal her, Lew.
I was just trying out a new
technique.
LEW
You and your techniques. "Walking
backwards like a parakeet."
Nathan looks worried. He shoves aside his cereal bowl.
NATHAN
I've got a problem, Lew.
LEW
You've got a problem?
NATHAN
When we first moved in here, like
you said, I couldn't even get a
date. Now dates are no problem,
but it's not about me. If I
didn't do push-ups, or coo, or
dance around like a bird, no girl
would give me a second look. Know
what I mean? No one wants me for
me. It's all about animalistic
attraction, raw sexual desire.
It's like I'm just a sex object,
then they seem to lose interest.
Lew seems to change now, from resentful to supportive.
LEW
I see what you mean, Nathan. You
know the best thing for you to do,
for your own well-being and self-
esteem? Stop acting like an animal.
NATHAN
I think you're right. From now on,
my motto is "Take me as I am."
LEW
That a boy, Nathan.
Lew reaches over and gives Nathan a pat on the arm, and --
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
-- Nathan, under a blanket on the couch in the dark, suddenly
awakes, as if out of a dream.
Nathan hears a MOAN of passion from the bedroom. He sighs.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY (MORNING)
At the dining table Nathan and Lew finish breakfast.
Nathan watches as Lew, dressed for class, downs the last of
his orange juice and reaches for his book bag.
NATHAN
Ever wonder why lizards do
push-ups?
Lew looks quizzically at Nathan.
LEW
Lizards do push-ups? I don't
know. Why?
NATHAN
Guess.
LEW
Physical fitness? I've gotta go.
Lew gets up and heads out.
LATER
Nathan sits reading the book page with the photo of the
anole lizard.
Nathan gazes off thoughtfully. He does three or four push
ups on the table from his sitting position. He smiles.
NATHAN
What the hell, I'll try it.
Nathan gets up to go.
FADE OUT.
THE END
Return to the beginning of this script.
Go to The New Howell Theater.
