Copyright 2009 by Ronald L. Ecker
All Rights Reserved
FADE IN:
INT. AN APARTMENT BEDROOM (GAINESVILLE, FL) - NIGHT
Nerdy, slightly pudgy college student NATHAN GOOCH, 22, lies
on his bed in a modest two-room apartment with bath. He's
studying a biology textbook.
His handsome roommate LEW HANDY, 22, walks in. Sharply
dressed as if for a hot date, Lew is the opposite of Nathan
in terms of sex appeal and a confident bearing.
Lew sits down on the other bed and leans toward Nathan, who
seems to know what's coming.
LEW
Look, Nathan, would you mind
sleeping on the couch tonight?
NATHAN
Again?
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nathan lies under a blanket on the couch, listening sullenly
in the dark to the sounds of passion in the bedroom.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY (MORNING)
Nathan, sipping a cup of coffee, stands thoughtfully looking
out the window at something. Lew, set to leave with a book
bag, joins Nathan at the window.
LEW
Well, I'm off to class. Sure wish
I could sleep in, though. What are
you looking at?
NATHAN
Ever wonder why lizards do push-ups?
LEW
Lizards do push-ups?
NATHAN
Yeah. Like that one.
EXT. WOODSY AREA BY THE APARTMENT - DAY
A LIZARD is doing push-ups on a fence or branch outside the
window.
LEW (O.S.)
I don't know. Why do they do it?
NATHAN (O.S.)
It's a male, trying to attract
a female lizard.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Nathan and Lew watch the lizard.
NATHAN
It's the same reason a peacock
spreads his tail, displaying all
those colorful feathers. He's
telling some female, "Look at what
good genes I have."
LEW
That could be a pretty good line.
I think I'll try it.
NATHAN
What?
LEW
Look at what good genes I have.
INT. A RESTAURANT AND BAR - NIGHT
Pretty COLLEGE GIRLS #1 and #2 sit together at the bar, other
STUDENTS eating and drinking in b.g.
Girl #1 gets up to go to the rest room. Lew sits down on the
bar stool on the other side of Girl #2. She looks at him,
Lew smiles at her, as BARTENDER #1 steps over.
LEW
(to bartender)
I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
The bartender moves off. Lew turns fully toward the girl.
LEW (cont'd)
Look at what good genes I have.
The girl can't help but smile.
GIRL #2
I'm impressed.
LEW
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wanna see me spread my tail?
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT
Nathan lies almost asleep when Lew sits down on the other bed
and leans over to him.
LEW
Hey, Nathan . . .
NATHAN
I know. The couch again.
LEW
That genes line worked.
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA - DAY
STUDENTS move about on campus.
INT. A CLASSROOM - DAY
Nathan and other STUDENTS take a test.
Nathan, his pencil held idly erect, stares with lovesick eyes
at amply endowed COLLEGE GIRL #3, sitting across the aisle.
Gazing off as she thinks, the girl takes a deep breath.
Nathan's eyes grow bigger along with the girl's chest.
The girl exhales. Nathan's eyes return to normal size in
sync with the girl's bosom.
INT. THE APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nathan sits slumped, dejectedly staring at a picture in his
biology book. It shows a lizard with the colorful skin flap
under its chin fanned out, in another courtship gesture.
Nathan remembers saying,
NATHAN (V.O.)
Ever wonder why lizards do push-ups?
Nathan looks off. He seems to become resolved. He slams the
book shut and rises.
INT. THE RESTAURANT AND BAR - NIGHT
Nathan walks in. Among the PATRONS, he sees COLLEGE GIRL #4,
sitting at the bar, having a chat with Bartender #1.
Nathan sits down on the bar stool next to the girl's in an
unassuming manner. The bartender steps over.
NATHAN
A draft beer, please.
The bartender moves off.
Nathan seems reluctant to try something. Then he goes ahead:
He starts doing push-ups on the bar from his seated position.
The girl stares at him. After a moment, Nathan stops the
push-ups and smiles at her.
GIRL #4
What are you doing?
NATHAN
Trying to get a female's attention.
The girl chuckles.
GIRL #4
I think you've succeeded.
LATER
The bartender sees Nathan motion for another beer, while Girl
#4 and Nathan are engrossed in conversation.
NATHAN
According to Siverno's study, while
the orange-throated male lizards
are fighting over a female, the
little yellow-throated male lizard
sneaks in and makes out with the
female they're fighting over.
GIRL #4
Why, that dirty little lizard.
NATHAN
The same thing goes on in other
species of animals. Lower-level
males sneak in and make out with
the females while the top males
aren't looking. Biologists even
have a name for the males who
sneak in and make out.
GIRL #4
What do they call 'em?
NATHAN
Sneaky fuckers.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lew arrives, apparently from a night on the town. He is
stunned to find a handwritten sign on the closed bedroom
door that reads,
LEW, PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
(WINK, WINK)
THANKS, NATHAN
Lew puts his ear to the door. He shakes his head with a
smile as he turns away.
EXT. CAMPUS - DAY
Walking along with his book bag, Nathan looks optimistic as
he sees pretty COLLEGE GIRLS #5 and #6 coming the other way
with their books. Other STUDENTS move about in b.g.
Nathan starts doing a silly bird dance, chirping, flapping
his arms, and circling around the girls, as they stop and
watch him.
GIRL #5
What are you?
NATHAN
(still dancing)
I'm a male satin bowerbird. Would
you like to see my bower?
The girls glance at each other with amusement.
GIRL #5
I'd like to, but I have to go to
class.
Nathan looks encouraged as the girls move off.
INT. A TAVERN - NIGHT
Nathan walks in. The PATRONS here are more a working-class,
non-college crowd.
A 40-ish LADY AT THE BAR, a little on the trashy side, sits
alone with a drink. Nathan sits down on the stool next to
her.
Nathan starts making a coo-cooing sound. The lady stares at
him. He smiles at her.
LADY
I take it you're cooing?
NATHAN
Yeah. Like a male pigeon, trying
to attract a female.
The lady laughs. She seems to like Nathan right away.
LADY
I just may be your pigeon.
INT. BEDROOM DOOR - NIGHT
A sign on the closed door reads,
LEW, PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
(WINK, WINK SOME MORE)
NATHAN
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Nathan sits at the dining table helping buxom College Girl #3
and College Girl #5 with their studies. The girls are close
on either side of him.
Lew comes in. He doesn't seem to like what he sees as he
walks past to the bedroom. Concerned, Nathan rises.
NATHAN
Excuse me a minute, girls.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Lew plops down on his bed. Nathan comes in.
NATHAN
What's wrong, Lew? You look like
you're mad about something.
LEW
Oh, I'm not mad. I like sleeping
on the couch.
NATHAN
I've slept on it too, you know.
LEW
Yeah, but before, you couldn't even
get a date. Now you've got girls
fighting over you.
There is a sudden commotion in the other room.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Nathan and Lew come out of the bedroom to find Girls #3 and
#5 in a catfight.
LEW
See what I mean?
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lew sits snuggled on the couch with COLLEGE GIRL #7. Nathan
arrives.
NATHAN
Hi.
Lew watches resentfully, the girl with fascination, as Nathan
walks backwards all the way across the room into the bedroom.
GIRL #7
Why was he walking backwards?
LEW
It's a bird thing. He said he once
saw a male parakeet walk backwards
to try to impress a female parakeet.
Just ignore him. Don't pay any
attention to anything he does.
Nathan comes back out of the bedroom. Still walking backwards,
he trips against the coffee table and falls flat on his back.
The girl jumps up and rushes to Nathan. Kneeling down, she
puts her hands on Nathan with concern, while Lew lividly
watches from the couch.
GIRL #7
You poor thing. Are you all right?
Nathan sits up.
NATHAN
Yeah, I think so.
The girl looks at Nathan adoringly.
GIRL #7
Walking backwards like a parakeet.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY (THE NEXT MORNING)
Lew sits staring coldly at Nathan across the dining table
while Nathan eats his cereal.
LEW
You've gone too far, Nathan.
Trying to steal my girl.
NATHAN
I wasn't trying to steal her, Lew.
I was just doing an experiment,
trying out a new technique.
LEW
You and your techniques.
(mimicking the girl)
"Walking backwards like a parakeet."
Nathan looks worried about something as he shoves aside his
cereal bowl.
NATHAN
I've got a problem, Lew.
LEW
You've got a problem?
NATHAN
When we first moved in here, like
you said, I couldn't even get a
date. Now dates are no problem,
but it's not about me. If I didn't
do push-ups, or coo, or walk
backwards, no girl would give me
a second look. See what I mean?
No one wants me for me. It's all
about animalistic attraction, pure
raw sexual desire. It's like I'm
just a sex object, then they seem
to lose interest.
Lew's mood seems to change, from resentful to supportive.
LEW
I see what you mean, Nathan. You
know the best thing for you to do,
for your own well-being and self-
esteem? Stop acting like an animal.
NATHAN
I think you're right. From now on,
my motto is "Take me as I am."
Lew reaches over and gives Nathan a pat on the arm.
LEW
That a boy, Nathan.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nathan is back under a blanket on the couch, listening
sullenly in the dark to fun going on in the bedroom.
INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT (GAINESVILLE) - NIGHT
Dark. The door opens.
SUPERIMPOSE: "6 Years Later"
Working man Nathan, in coat and loosened tie, listlessly
enters the average-looking apartment and turns on the light.
He looks lonely as he takes off his coat and tosses it onto a
chair. He walks over to the TV and picks up the remote as if
out of habit. He turns on the TV.
Nathan checks the calls on his telephone answering machine.
The first call is a hang-up. The second call is a hang-up.
Nathan sighs as the third call is a hang-up. Then,
LEW'S VOICE
(recorded)
Nathan? This is Lew! How the hell
are you, buddy? Listen, I'm going
to give you my number. Call me
tomorrow. This is very important.
EXT. GAINESVILLE CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION - PARKING LOT - DAY
Nathan, in shirtsleeves and tie, sits in the open door of his
parked car with a soft drink and cell phone.
NATHAN
(into cell phone)
Lew, how are you? How did you know
I was living in Gainesville?
INTERCUT WITH: INT. LEW'S OFFICE (TAMPA, FL) - DAY
Lew, in coat and tie, is on the phone at his desk.
LEW
I called your mom in Pensacola.
NATHAN
Oh. How's Mom doing?
LEW
Fine. She said to tell you to call
her sometime. You work in a prison?
NATHAN
Yeah. I'm taking a break outside
the compound.
LEW
I thought you got a degree in biology.
NATHAN
I did. Have you got a job for me?
LEW
As a matter of fact, yes. You're
going to be a rich man.
NATHAN
How's that? What do you do in
Tampa?
LEW
I'm a literary agent, and my
big-name client is going to be
Nathan Gooch. Look, I was telling
a big publishing house about your
old animal techniques in college,
and they'd like you to write a
how-to book. I can get you a big
advance. Nathan, it will sell
millions of copies. We've already
come up with a title: "Why Lizards
Do Push-Ups."
INT. A BOOK STORE (GAINESVILLE) - DAY
A sign reads,
GET YOUR AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF
THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
WHY LIZARDS DO PUSH-UPS
BY NATHAN GOOCH
Nathan sits autographing copies of his book for a line of
CUSTOMERS.
A frail OLD MAN, about 85, gets his copy signed.
OLD MAN
Does it take long to learn these
techniques?
NATHAN
No, sir, not very long at all.
OLD MAN
That's good. I haven't got very long.
INT. AN ORLANDO TV STUDIO - A TALK-SHOW SET - DAY
Nathan is interviewed by attractive host MAUREEN SLOAN, 35,
who holds a copy of Nathan's book. A set logo identifies
MORNING WITH MAUREEN.
MAUREEN
Mister Gooch, would you mind
demonstrating for us the dance
of the male satin bowerbird?
NATHAN
Oh, I couldn't do it here on T.V.
MAUREEN
Then how about the mating call of
the Western toad?
NATHAN
I can't do that either. There
would be too many women immediately
trying to reach me, with no way to
do it. You can imagine the stress
it would cause.
INT. LEW'S OFFICE - DAY
Lew picks up on the phone at his desk.
LEW
(into phone)
Nathan, how are you? You're in
town?
(beat)
Sure, I'd love to. About sevenish?
(beat)
You've brought a girl with you?
INT. A HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
In a booth, Nathan sits talking intimately over drinks with
Maureen, close beside him.
Lew arrives with a smile. Other PATRONS are in b.g. Lew
and Nathan shake hands.
LEW
Hi, Nathan. It's good to see you.
NATHAN
Lew, this is Maureen Sloan.
Maureen, my old college chum
and agent Lew Handy.
Lew and Maureen shake hands.
LEW
How do you do, Maureen?
MAUREEN
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Lew sits down.
NATHAN
She has a T.V. show in Orlando.
We went out to dinner, and we
really hit it off. I've found
her, Lew: A lady who loves and
respects me for me, not because
I'm a bestselling author or can
sound like a frog.
Lew gazes smilingly at Maureen while Nathan sips his drink.
LEW
I'm real happy for you, Nathan.
Maureen returns Lew's gaze with lust in her eyes as she
raises her glass to her lips.
LEW (cont'd)
I'll bet she puts on a good show.
INT. A BAR (GAINESVILLE) - NIGHT
Nathan sits alone, looking depressed, at the bar. Other
PATRONS in b.g.
SUPERIMPOSE: "A Week Later"
BARTENDER #2 brings Nathan a refill.
BARTENDER #2
Have you had a death in the family,
friend?
Nathan shakes his head "no."
BARTENDER #2 (cont'd)
Lost your job?
Nathan again shakes his head "no."
BARTENDER #2 (cont'd)
It can't be that bad, then, whatever
it is, can it?
NATHAN
Have you ever had your best friend -
so-called - steal your woman?
BARTENDER #2
No. But it makes you wonder if she
was really your woman. And if he
was really your friend. Forget
her, pal. And to hell with your
"friend" too, eh?
NATHAN
I still owe the guy, I guess. If
it wasn't for him, I'd still be in
prison.
The bartender gives Nathan a look and moves off to serve
another customer.
EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET (GAINESVILLE) - DAY
Nathan walks along morosely. There is shrubbery along the
sidewalk. Nathan looks at a HAPPY YOUNG COUPLE walking by
the other way among PASSERSBY.
Nathan stops at a book-store window. He gazes glumly at
his book prominently displayed among others in the window.
A 30-ish, average-looking lady (her name is GAYLE) is
standing at the window too.
GAYLE
Are you looking at that lizard book?
NATHAN
Yes. For some reason I like the
looks of it.
GAYLE
Well you know what they say about
judging a book by its cover. Don't
buy it.
NATHAN
Oh. It doesn't get four stars?
GAYLE
It doesn't get one. I browsed
through it yesterday.
NATHAN
Well, I guess you just saved me
about thirty bucks.
GAYLE
My good deed for the day.
Gayle starts to leave.
NATHAN
No, actually, I wrote the book. I'm
sorry to hear you don't like it.
GAYLE
You wrote the book?
NATHAN
Yes. I'm Nathan Gooch. Go in and
look. It's my picture on the back.
GAYLE
I thought you looked familiar.
Nathan, you want the world to
believe that doing push-ups like
a lizard, or the mating call of -
what was it - the gray tree frog
or the Western toad, is a way
for a man to interest a woman?
NATHAN
Yes. It works. At least most of
the time.
GAYLE
Oh, come on.
NATHAN
I've done it. That's why I wrote
the book.
GAYLE
So you rate women on the same level
as lizards or toads or birds?
NATHAN
No, not at all. Well, I mean, no
more than men are like lizards or
toads or birds. You see, uh - what
was your name?
GAYLE
Gayle.
NATHAN
You see, there's a secret to it,
Gayle.
GAYLE
A secret?
NATHAN
Yes. At first, I didn't realize it
myself. It's the curiosity factor.
Mainly. I think. You see, when
you start doing push-ups, or walking
backwards, or whatever the animal
thing is, naturally a woman wonders
what you're doing. Right? And
when you tell her - you know, why
you're doing it - she finds it
kind of endearing, in an odd sort
of way. Now maybe you wouldn't,
but a lot of them do.
GAYLE
Do you say that in the book?
NATHAN
Yes, that's the conclusion, or
thesis. Look, Gayle, I was just,
uh - well, I was going down to the
corner for a cup of coffee. Would
you care to join me? We could talk
about this some more, or talk about
books besides mine. I take it
you're a book lover too.
Gayle glances at her watch.
GAYLE
Okay, sure. Why not?
They start walking.
GAYLE (cont'd)
I guess I see more where you're
coming from now. Though your book
is still crap. You would agree
that two people ought to get to
know and like each other simply
for who they are.
NATHAN
Oh, certainly. But it has to be
the right two people, I guess.
GAYLE
Well, sure, if it's going to be
a special kind of relationship.
But that's the thing. We're
talking about people, not lizards
or birds.
NATHAN
Yes. But every species has its
own song and dance.
As Nathan and Gayle pass, moving off, they don't notice that
a LIZARD is doing its push-ups by the sidewalk shrubbery.
NATHAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
And I think that's pretty cool.
Don't you?
FADE OUT.
THE END
Return to the beginning of this script.
Go to The New Howell Theater.
