Click here
EXT. NEUANFANG - DAY
Hi, glancing self-consciously about, walks from Gebaüde Zwei
toward Gebaüde Vier.
No one else is around except the four Schützes patrolling the
perimeter.
INT./EXT. A WINDOW - GEBAÜDE EIN - DAY
Unsleepy Müller, who's reading the book "Health Care in Your
Amazon Home" by the window of his quarters, curiously watches
Hi enter Gebaüde Vier.
INT. BLOOD FACTORY - DAY
Hi enters. OBERSCHÜTZE #2, 32, half-dozing at Spitz's desk,
starts to rise.
HI
Relax, pal. I couldn't sleep, so I
thought I'd check on the plants.
Hi goes to the factory's fully grown Dracaena palm. Behind him,
Oberschütze #2 gets settled again.
HI (cont'd)
You look sleepy. How long have
you been on the graveyard shift?
OBERSCHÜTZE #2
Too long.
Hi sticks a syringe into the Dracaena's stem. Behind him,
Oberschütze #2 is trying to stay awake.
OBERSCHÜTZE #2 (cont'd)
It is hard to imagine, your being
unable to sleep.
Hi begins drawing out the palm's reddish liquid extract with
the syringe.
HI
Well, I haven't been a vampire
for long. I'm still learning
all the ins and outs. It's
hard to get used to the hours.
OBERSCHÜTZE #2
You're telling me?
INT. CORRIDOR - GEBAÜDE VIER - DAY
Müller is quietly on his way to the factory.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Hi enters from the factory. Alone, he goes to the kitchen's
Dracaena. He first begins emptying his full syringe into a
vial.
INT. BLOOD FACTORY - DAY
Müller finds Oberschütze #2 asleep at the desk.
Not disturbing him, Müller turns toward the kitchen with a
look of suspicious cunning.
INT. THE KITCHEN - DAY
Hi is drawing extract from the kitchen's Dracaena.
Müller enters. Hi immediately turns, hides the syringe
behind his back - but too late, Müller has seen it.
Müller swaggers up to Hi.
MULLER
Tell me, Herr Hickenlooper. What
is it about your plants?
HI
I guess I have to let you in on
the secret.
Hi takes the half-filled syringe from behind his back and
shows it to Müller.
HI (cont'd)
The extract. Wanna try it? How
about tonight? You know the best
time? Just before dinner. It
takes a few hours to hit you. It's
best mixed with blood.
MULLER
What is it called?
HI
Uh - Dracaena palm extract. D.P.E.
That's, uh, "dope" in English.
Hi chuckles at the ad lib, Müller looks at him.
HI (cont'd)
Don't worry. Non-addictive.
MULLER
Pretty good stuff, eh?
HI
"Pretty good"? It'll blow the
top of your head off.
EXT. AN AIRSTRIP IN JUNGLE - DAY
Three crop dusters and a jeep are parked by the strip.
Civilian PILOTS #1 and #2 are working on their engines, while
PILOT #3 is finishing a logo on the nose of his plane: a man
bent over farting a dust cloud, with the words EAT MY DUST.
Also by the strip are a stack of sealed cardboard boxes.
Printed on each box is HICKENLOOPER FOODS GARLIC POWDER.
INT. EVA'S QUARTERS - DAY
Hi, his hair a bit mussed, removes his syringe from Eva's
Dracaena palm, and begins emptying it into a vial.
During this, Eva clings to him hornily.
HI
Remember, don't drink any blood
tonight. Tell the Countess too.
EVA
No blood.
HI
Be ready to get going, you and the
Countess, about an hour before dawn.
EVA
Hi, please be careful tonight.
Hi, syringe emptied, looks a bit worried.
HI
I think I need some more, Eva.
EVA
You've got it. Let's get back
in the coffin.
HI
No, I mean some more dragon's
blood. I've tapped every plant
but one. What if I don't have
enough? What if they just puke
or get diarrhea?
EVA
We can't think about that. Let's
get back in the coffin.
HI
I need to tap one more plant.
EVA
You're going to tap his?
HI
Let's hope the Führer's a pretty
sound sleeper.
EVA
Hi, no! The door to his quarters
is guarded.
HI
I'm going to climb up the balcony.
EVA
What if he wakes up and catches you?
HI
If he wakes up, I guess I'm kaput.
There's not much I could say. No
matter what happens, remember
this: I really dig you, Eva.
They kiss.
EVA
Oh Hi. You're the most.
Hi heads out.
EXT. GEBAÜDE EIN - DAY
From a corner of Gebaüde Ein, Hi watches SCHÜTZE #6,
patrolling the perimeter, go out of view behind Gebaüde Drei.
Hi hurries to the foot of the balcony. He scales the balcony
by climbing the hanging banner.
Hi gets over the railing and down behind the banner just
before SCHÜTZE #7 on the perimeter comes into view from
behind Gebaüde Vier.
INT. HITLER'S QUARTERS - DAY
Hitler lies asleep in his open coffin.
Hi slips in through the balcony door. He goes to the Dracaena,
only a few feet from Hitler. He sticks in the syringe.
A FLY buzzes around Hi and lands on Hitler's face. Hitler's
face twitches but his eyes remain closed.
The fly does the same thing again, Hitler's face again
twitching, Hi fretfully watching.
On the third buzz, Hi, hands busy extracting, snaps like a
dog, catching the fly in his mouth.
EXT. GEBAÜDE EIN - DAY
Hi quickly makes his way down the banner to the foot of the
balcony.
Hi moves a few feet away, then stops and opens his mouth.
The fly buzzes around in his mouth but won't come out.
As if to coax out the fly, Hi begins making outward hand
movements under his chin.
The Hauptsturmführer comes strolling around a corner - and
stops. He sees open-mouthed Hi, eyes closed, making this
Italian-style gesture toward him.
SCHÜTZE #8 on the perimeter has stopped and is watching too.
Hi opens his eyes and sees the Hauptsturmführer.
Hi smiles dumbly, and moves off past the Haupsturmführer, who
watches him warily.
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
A full moon.
INT. KITCHEN - GEBAÜDE VIER - NIGHT
Entering, Hi walks over to Müller's cubby-hole office, across
from the fridge.
Hi is surprised to find Frankel sitting by Müller's desk,
Müller behind it.
MÜLLER
I have let Herr Frankel in on our
little secret. He is loyal and
conscientious. He wrings every
drop of blood that he can from
those stinking wretches next door.
FRANKEL
(false modesty)
Please, Obersturmbannführer, you
embarrass me.
MÜLLER
He deserves a little reward.
HI
I'm happy to oblige. Got the
glasses?
Müller takes three glasses and a spoon from a drawer, while
Hi takes a vial of dragon's blood from his pocket.
Hi turns and heads for the fridge, cater-cornered from the
office.
HI (cont'd)
Allow me to serve as your waiter.
Hi opens the fridge and takes out one of three bottles of
blood.
FRANKEL
Your secret is safe with me. If
all the Schützes found out, they
would keep the Dracaenas sucked dry.
Hi, uncapping the bottle, goes to the office with it.
HI
It's best to pour one glass from
each bottle. That way no one
will know there's a little blood
missing.
MÜLLER
Good idea.
As Hi pours Müller's glass from the bottle:
HI
This is the blood for tonight, right?
MÜLLER
Yes.
FRANKEL
Two bottles for the trink hall, and
one for the Führer's table. One
serving is sent to the Countess.
Hi pours a dose of dragon's blood from the vial into Müller's
glass of blood, while the Nazis watch.
HI
Stir it up, then down the hatch.
You're next, Herr Frankel.
Hi heads back to the fridge, Müller stirring his drink.
HI (cont'd)
Like I said, it'll be a few hours
before we feel the effect.
At the fridge, Hi's back is to the office, where the Nazis
sit relaxed, unsuspecting.
Hi opens the fridge, sets the first bottle back in - and
before capping it, empties the vial of dragon's blood into
the bottle.
Taking out the second bottle with one hand, with the other Hi
exchanges the empty vial for a full one from his pocket.
Hi uncaps the second bottle as he takes it to the office.
HI (cont'd)
The nice thing about it is that
you can't get addicted.
As Hi pours Frankel's glass from the bottle:
HI (cont'd)
You can use this stuff once . . .
Hi adds a dose of dragon's blood (from what looks like the
same vial as before) to Frankel's glass.
HI (cont'd)
. . . and not have to worry about
getting any more.
Holding the bottle and vial in one hand, with the other Hi
picks up the third glass.
HI (cont'd)
Let me get mine, then we'll toast.
Hi turns for the fridge, Frankel stirring his drink.
FRANKEL
But if it does all that you say,
how can we not help but worry?
On his way to the fridge, with his back to the Nazis, Hi
empties the second vial into the second bottle.
FRANKEL (cont'd)
There is nothing worse than wanting
something that you can't have more
of.
Hi returns the second bottle to the fridge, and simultaneously
exchanges vials once again.
MÜLLER
Don't worry, Herr Hickenlooper
will see that we get it.
Hi uncaps the third bottle, pours his glass, and sets the
glass on the counter by the fridge. He empties the third
vial into the third bottle as he sets it back in the fridge.
Hi caps the bottle and closes the fridge. He goes back to
the office with his glass of blood and the empty third vial
in hand. He shows off the empty vial.
HI
Well, that's it.
Hi puts the vial in his pocket. Frankel offers the spoon,
but Hi is already stirring his blood with a finger.
HI (cont'd)
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm used to not
having a spoon.
MÜLLER
That's all right. From now on you
will have one.
(gesturing a toast)
Heil Hitler.
HI
Heil Hitler.
FRANKEL
Sieg Heil.
Drinking his blood, Hi watches Müller and Frankel drink
theirs.
MÜLLER
Oh, before I forget, the Führer is
quite pleased with your plants.
FRANKEL
Though not as pleased as we are, of
course.
MÜLLER
In appreciation, he wishes you to dine
at his table this evening.
Hi tries to look calm at this unwelcome news.
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
A full moon shines through jungle canopy.
Diego, McKay, and a dozen COMMANDOS, armed and in camouflage
uniforms, are lying low, faces blackened, in the thick
vegetation bordering Neuanfang.
The commando leader is American hulk JOHNNY RINGAWA, 35, who
wears a pink silk sweatband around his curly blonde locks,
and sports vilca-wood earrings.
RINGAWA
Hitler and his Nazi vampires. For
a commando, it doesn't get any
better than this.
DIEGO
Let's hope everything goes well for
Hi tonight, Ringawa.
RINGAWA
Yeah. I can't wait till mañana.
That's when we find out.
MCKAY
Let's hope that garlic gets here
on time. At dawn.
RINGAWA
You said it. I love the smell of
garlic in the morning.
INT. HITLER'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Hitler is set to dine with Dorsch, Kegel, Müller, Frankel,
and Hi. The blood is in a punch bowl on the table.
Oberschütze Spitz, serving as waiter, begins ladling and
serving blood from the bowl.
KEGEL
Where is Frau Perón?
DORSCH
She informed the Führer she is not
feeling well, and will not dine
this evening.
KEGEL
Too bad. The blood tonight looks
so rich.
DORSCH
Plasmatic.
KEGEL
Hemoglobinous.
Spitz finishes serving. Everyone picks up his glass.
Hi watches Kegel and Dorsch take big swallows. Müller and
Frankel, already full, of course, only sip.
Hi watches as Hitler, whose mind seems to be elsewhere, moves
his glass slowly toward his mouth.
Hitler stops before the glass reaches his lips. He sets it
back down. He seems too preoccupied to drink. Hi sets his
glass down too, as inconspicuously as possible.
HITLER
I have good news, mein Schutz-
staffel führers. I have almost
finished my memoirs.
DORSCH
That is good news, mein Führer.
HITLER
We shall be laying plans. It is
time to write a new chapter in the
history of the thousand-year Reich.
(beat, then)
Oberschütze Hickenlooper, you have
not touched your blood. What is
wrong?
HI
I'm afraid I'm not hungry, mein
Führer. I had a snack, about
an hour ago, at Obersturmbann-
führer Müller's. I was checking
on the plants, and -
HITLER
(interrupting)
You had a what at Obersturmbannführer
Müller's? One does not snack at
one's leisure on the blood supply
of the Reich!
(to Müller)
Obersturmbannführer Müller -
HI
(interrupting)
It was my fault, mein Führer. I
drank it before Ober-stupid-führer
Müller -
MÜLLER
(correcting him)
Ober-sturmbann-führer.
HI
I drank it before Herr Müller
knew. It won't happen again.
I can guarantee that.
Hitler's anger subsides. Settling back in his chair, he
speaks as if thinking out loud - completely unaware, it
appears, that he's rhyming:
HITLER
Obergruppenführer Dorsch, I will
soon send you to Peru. . . .
What you will do . . . is spend
an evening or two . . . giving
General Belzu . . . a complete
overview . . . of what he may
accrue . . . as reward for a coup.
Hi chuckles, looking amazed.
HITLER (cont'd)
What is so amusing, Oberschütze?
HI
Oh, I'm sorry, mein Führer. It
struck me that everything that you
just said rhymes in English.
Dorsch frowns with uncertainty.
DORSCH
What language are we speaking?
KEGEL
German, you idiot.
Dorsch nods affirmatively, as if that's what he thought.
Kegel proposes a toast to all:
KEGEL (cont'd)
To the coup in Peru.
DORSCH
Here's to!
All are set to drink except Hitler and Hi.
KEGEL
Drink up, mein Führer. You have
not touched your blood either.
A beat, Hitler deep in thought.
HITLER
This evening I shall fast.
Hi can barely hide his dismay.
HITLER (cont'd)
I always think best when I fast.
Hitler pours his glassful of blood back into the punch bowl.
Kegel looks now at Hi.
KEGEL
Oberschütze, will you not at least
join us for a toast?
(lifts glass)
To the coup in Peru.
Hi, all eyes upon him, reluctantly picks up his glass. He
looks at the blood. Then he pours the glassful back into
the bowl. As he sets down the glass:
HI
I am fasting with the Führer.
KEGEL
Not so fast. How can you fast?
You have already snacked. You
said so yourself.
DORSCH
That is right. Simply not being
hungry, that is not fasting.
FRANKEL
It certainly isn't.
HI
But I'm fasting right now.
KEGEL
That is not a fair fast.
FRANKEL
It is not fair at all.
DORSCH
We should have been told. We could
all fast, but now we've partaken.
KEGEL
Herr Hickenlooper, too, should
partake.
MÜLLER
He certainly should.
DORSCH
There is no way he can fast.
KEGEL
He is pulling a fast one.
FRANKEL
That is right, he -
HITLER
(interrupting)
Enough!
Banging his fist on the table, Hitler rises. As his eyes
bulge with rage:
HITLER (cont'd)
Stop behaving like children! How
am I to conquer the world if I am
surrounded by such silly persons?
What difference does it make, you
dim-witted twits, if this piddling
planter is fasting?
KEGEL
Why, none, mein Führer. It makes
no difference at all.
MÜLLER
Of course not.
DORSCH
Let him fast.
FRANKEL
Who cares if he fasts or he doesn't?
KEGEL
He is only a piddling planter.
Hitler heads for the door, the others rising. Hitler stops
and turns to give them a parting shot:
HITLER
Sometimes I wonder why I left that
Berlin bunker.
Hitler leaves. Müller and Frankel follow him out.
Kegel finishes his blood and sets down the empty glass, with
a smug look at Hi.
As Kegel leaves, Dorsch finishes his glass of blood. Dorsch
picks up Frankel's glass, which is still half full, and downs
that one too.
DORSCH
You don't know what you're missing,
Oberschütze.
HI
I can live without it.
Dorsch wipes his mouth with a napkin and leaves. Hi lingers.
HI (cont'd)
And the Führer is fasting.
EXT. OVER THE JUNGLE - NIGHT (NEAR DAWN)
The three crop dusters are flying low in formation.
INT. EVA'S QUARTERS - NIGHT (NEAR DAWN)
Eva nervously paces in a black suit. The Countess, in her
red satin gown, sits staring into space, thinking, perhaps,
of Romania.
EXT. NEUANFANG - NIGHT (NEAR DAWN)
Dorsch and Kegel sit playing cards at a picnic table in front
of Gebaüde Ein.
A few feet away, Hi loiters, restlessly pacing, as he keeps
looking toward the east. SS men move about in b.g.
DORSCH
"Dim-witted twits." That's what he
called us.
Hi stops pacing. Dimly on the jungle horizon he sees the
first glow of sunrise.
DORSCH (cont'd)
Did you hear, Kegel? We are "dim
witted twits."
Kegel suddenly notices with amazement that Dorsch, unaware,
has smoke coming out of his ears.
KEGEL
Obergruppenführer, you are fuming.
DORSCH
Of course I am fuming. Shouldn't
you be?
Hi looks knowingly at the smoke.
A scream - the Haupsturmführer staggers out of Gebaüde Drei.
He is bleeding from mouth, nose, and ears, he's shaking,
smoking, and screaming. He falls to his knees.
Dorsch is now shaking and bleeding. Bleeding SS men scream
on the compound.
Kegel rises, he, too, starting to smoke.
KEGEL
Mein Führer!
Hi is watching Dorsch bloat. As Kegel staggers off:
KEGEL (cont'd)
Mein Führer!
Dorsch is swelling grotesquely, his skin making a leathery
squeak as it stretches, blood oozing from his pores. He
struggles to speak:
DORSCH
Oberschütze, what does this mean?
HI
It means no trip for you to Peru.
Dorsch splits in two. His two halves collapse in a bloody
mess on the table.
INT. HITLER'S QUARTERS - DAY (DAWN)
Hitler, in uniform, sits at his desk with two glove puppets
(Hitler and Stalin) punching each other. Wagner music plays
on a hi-fi, drowning out other noise.
Kegel suddenly staggers in, bleeding and shaking.
Hitler rises at the horrid sight, while hiding the puppets
behind his back.
KEGEL
(choking)
Mein Führer . . .
Kegel is bloating. He expands, screams, then explodes in a
great blur of blood and flesh. Blood stains Hitler's coat.
HITLER
Kegel! Is this some kind of joke?
INT. EVA'S QUARTERS - DAY (DAWN)
Hi rushes in, gas mask in hand. He hustles Eva and the Countess
to the door, while securing the gas mask to his belt.
HI
Get out of here fast. Head for
the jungle. Go east, away from
the compound.
COUNTESS
East to the jungle.
EVA
Hi, let me stay. There must be
some way I can help.
HI
You can help by getting away, so
I'll know that you're safe. God
knows what'll happen when that
garlic gets here. Now let's go.
EXT. OVER JUNGLE - DAY (EARLY MORNING)
The planes are still on their flight path.
EXT. NEUANFANG - DAY
In the early morning light, SS men lie dead or dying in pools
of blood, as Eva and the Countess hurry toward the jungle.
Hi watches, then heads for Gebaüde Vier.
Eva stops, looks worriedly off after Hi.
COUNTESS
Eva, let's go!
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Diego, McKay, Ringawa and commandos, still concealed in the
jungle, hear screaming from the compound.
DIEGO
What do you think? We better go in.
RINGAWA
You're damn right.
COMMANDO #1
It could be a Nazi trick.
COMMANDO #2
Yeah, these are vampires, man.
MCKAY
We go in with the second garlic
release as planned.
RINGAWA
So where's the damn garlic?
McKay looks at his watch.
MCKAY
We'll give it two minutes to get
here.
RINGAWA
We gotta go in!
MCKAY
Disobey me, Ringawa, and I'll have
your golden locks shorn.
INT. BLOOD FACTORY - DAY
Frankel and Spitz are bleeding, bloating, crying out. Spitz
clings to Frankel as if for help.
Hi arrives, grabs the two by the shoulders.
HI
How's it going, mush heads?
Hi cracks their heads together, bursting them.
INT. CROWLEY'S CELL - DAY
Weak Crowley struggles to his feet as he hears the rattle of
a key unlocking cell doors.
HI (O.S.)
Everybody out and head for the
jungle! Head east and wait!
Get off of the compound!
Hi appears at the door, starts unlocking it.
HI (cont'd)
I see you made it, pal. Way to go.
INT. CORRIDOR - GEBAÜDE EIN - DAY
Mystified Hitler, a pistol in hand, finds another exploded SS
body. Then the Scharführer, bleeding and bloating, staggers
up to Hitler.
SCHARFUHRER
Mein -
Blood spews from his mouth, the Scharführer begins deflating
like a balloon:
SCHARFUHRER (cont'd)
- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu . . .
EXT. NEUANFANG - DAY
Hitler, pistol still in hand, exits Gebaüde Ein. He looks
around at the dead and dying Nazis.
Hitler heads for Gebaüde Drei.
INT. CORRIDOR - GEBAÜDE DREI - DAY
The Rottenführer, looking healthy and relaxed, steps out of
Munitions with a yawn.
Hitler comes around the corner. They look surprised to see
each other.
The Rottenführer clicks his heels and salutes.
ROTTENFÜHRER
Heil, mein Führer!
HITLER
Forget that shit. Everything in
Munitions okay?
ROTTENFÜHRER
Yes, mein Führer. Mein Führer,
there is blood on your coat.
Hitler looks puzzled by the Rottenführer's normal appearance.
HITLER
There is nothing wrong with you,
Rottenführer?
ROTTENFÜHRER
I've got a bad stomach, mein
Führer. I couldn't drink a drop
of blood last night.
HITLER
You didn't drink any blood?
ROTTENFÜHRER
No, mein Führer.
HITLER
(thoughtful aside)
Nor did Hickenlooper.
ROTTENFÜHRER
What is wrong, mein Führer?
HITLER
Wrong? We are under attack, you
Schwachsinnige!
(hurrying off)
Stay here and guard Munitions.
EXT. OVER JUNGLE - DAY
The planes are still on their way.
EXT. NEUANFANG - DAY
Crowley and the other freed captives are running for the
jungle.
Hi stands watching them. Now he turns, looks off toward
Hitler's balcony.
About to go after Hitler, Hi hears someone come out of
Gebaüde Drei. He turns to look.
It is Hitler.
Hi and Hitler approach each other slowly, eyes locked.
Within a few feet of each other, they stop, in virtually the
center of Neuanfang, the cries of the dying around them.
HITLER
Oberschütze.
Discarding his pistol, Hitler pulls out a dagger.
HI
Mein Führer.
Hi draws his dagger.
HITLER
You are behind this. You are one
of my mistakes, Oberschütze.
HI
What do you plan to do about it?
HITLER
First, I demote you. You are
nothing but a Schütze again.
HI
Who is left, besides you, to
outrank me?
The Rottenführer comes out of Gebaüde Drei, looks around at
the carnage.
HI (cont'd)
Okay, who else besides him?
Drawing his dagger, the Rottenführer joins Hitler in confronting
Hi.
HITLER
I told you to guard Munitions.
You disobey orders?
ROTTENFÜHRER
But I wish to assist you, mein
Führer.
Hitler and the Rottenführer move toward Hi.
HITLER
You are a dead little Schütze.
They are set to fight. Then the Rottenführer hears something.
ROTTENFÜHRER
Mein Führer -
They look off, see the planes, heading straight toward them.
Hitler looks at Hi.
HITLER
Ha! You fools. You think to
destroy me with bullets or bombs?
Hitler turns toward the planes, lifts his arms, dagger raised,
in defiance.
HITLER (cont'd)
Here I am! Let me have it!
The planes pass over, releasing thick swirls of garlic powder.
Hitler gags and falls to his knees. The Rottenführer reels,
trying to breathe. Hi dons his gas mask.
HITLER (cont'd)
(wheezing)
Kill him! Killllll him!
The Rottenführer staggers toward Hi. Hitler, in a frenzy,
struggles to his feet and hurries for Gebaüde Drei. He does
a crazy-jointed dance as he goes.
The crazed Rottenführer wrestles Hi to the ground, but Hi
quickly plunges his dagger into the Rottenführer's chest.
Dying, the Rottenführer looks up, as if with joyous wonder,
at Hi's masked face.
ROTTENFÜHRER
Mein Führer! Mein Führer, I found
it! The missing gas mask!
The Rottenführer dies happy.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
McKay and the rest of the team still wait. Some are now wearing
gas masks or are putting them on.
RINGAWA
We gotta go in!
MCKAY
At the second garlic release!
COMMANDO #3, 30, directs the passing freed captives, including
the Countess, who is coughing:
COMMANDO #3
Keep going that way! We'll bring
you food and water!
DIEGO
(to McKay)
Look at that woman in red.
MCKAY
She looks like Countess Borca.
As McKay puts on his gas mask, Diego hurries over to the Countess.
DIEGO
Countess, is Eva Perón coming out?
COUNTESS
No. She went back to try to help
Hi. I could not stop her.
INT. MUNITIONS - GEBAÜDE DREI - DAY
Frenzied Eva grabs a gas mask, puts it on. She's still
recovering when she hears someone coming.
Eva quickly hides. Hitler staggers in, bug-eyed and wheezing.
He grabs a gas mask, puts it on.
Hitler heads for the far end of the equipment-filled room.
Eva watches from her hiding place. She's right beside some
frogman equipment. Now she hears someone else, looks toward
the door.
Hi enters, gas mask on. His eyes search the room.
Across the room Hitler pops up with a submachine gun. He
fires, riddling Hi and the wall with bullets, Hi falling out
of frame, Eva watching in horror.
Hitler puts down the gun and picks up a hand grenade.
Hi reappears, a bit stunned, mask still on, his shirt bullet-
riddled but not all that bloody. He grasps a table as he's
getting to his feet.
HI
Mein Führer, you think to destroy
me with bullets or bombs?
As Hitler pulls the pin, throws the grenade at Hi:
HITLER
At least they will keep you off
your feet!
Hi ducks. The grenade bounces off a wall, ricochets off some
equipment, and comes to rest right next to Eva's hiding
place.
Eva, who has picked up a spring-powered spear gun, barely has
time to cringe as the grenade explodes.
Hi watches with amazement as Eva, with something in her hand,
is blown into the air, landing in a neighboring aisle in a
rain of debris.
Hitler, submachine gun at ready, advances along tables toward
Hi's position. Hi, on his hands and knees, out of Hitler's
sight, yanks off his gas mask.
Hi can't find his dagger. Then he sees Eva crawl out from an
adjoining aisle.
Eva looks awful, hair frizzled, suit tattered, the gas mask
hanging in shreds from her blackened face.
She slides something across the floor to Hi.
Hi picks it up. It's the spear gun, its barbed spear ready
to fire.
Hi fleetingly sees Hitler's masked head moving behind an
equipment stack. From the floor Hi aims the spear gun at the
corner, just high enough to shoot for the Führer's heart.
Hitler comes past the corner, turns with the submachine gun,
and Hi fires the spear gun.
Hitler screams as the spear pierces his body. Going straight
through the heart, the spear's barbed head sticks out of his
back.
Dropping the submachine gun, Hitler keeps from falling by
grabbing an equipment table.
Hitler moves a hand toward the spear, but he's apparently too
suddenly weakened to have any hope of removing the spear from
his blood-pouring wound.
Hitler glares through his mask at Hi, who stares back as if
hoping to watch Hitler die. But Hitler picks up the
submachine gun with effort, and staggers off toward the door.
Hi goes quickly to Eva, who sits leaning, still dazed, against
a table leg.
HI
I thought I told you to get off the
compound.
EVA
Why the hell didn't I listen?
Hi sees his dagger under a table and grabs it.
HI
Get another mask and get going.
I'm going after Hitler.
Hi grabs his gas mask.
HI (cont'd)
Thanks for that spear gun.
Hi heads for the door.
EXT. NEUANFANG - DAY
As Hi comes out of Gebaüde Drei, the planes have just made
their second pass.
Donning his gas mask, Hi catches only a glimpse of Hitler
staggering toward Gebaüde Vier before the new cloud of
garlic powder envelops him.
Hi goes after Hitler, while McKay and the commandos, wearing
their gas masks, have charged in from the jungle, to fan out
cautiously over the dust-shrouded compound.
Ringawa, with hammer and stake in hand, kneels down by
bleeding, dying SCHÜTZE #9.
RINGAWA
Don't die yet. I can't leave here
without staking a Nazi.
Ringawa puts the stake over the Nazi's heart and hammers it
home.
RINGAWA (cont'd)
Okay, now you can die.
INT. WATER CONTROL ROOM - GEBAÜDE VIER - DAY
Hitler, the spear still in his heart, staggers in and discards
his gas mask.
He pulls down a lever. There is the faint sound of a gasoline
powered generator cranking up.
INTERCUT: INT. THE POOL - UNDERWATER - DAY
The lights in the pool come on.
Dropping the submachine gun, Hitler moves painfully to the
piranha-release lever and pulls it down.
The tunnel in the side of the pool opens. Piranhas stream
into the pool.
END INTERCUT, STAY with Hitler, as he staggers to the door
leading to the pool platform. He opens it, turns, and leans
weakly against the door jamb to wait.
INT. HITLER'S QUARTERS - GEBAÜDE EIN - DAY
McKay and Ringawa, still wearing gas masks, burst in, submachine
guns at ready. Wagner music still plays on the hi-fi.
They look quickly around, look at Kegel's grisly remains.
RINGAWA
God, what kind of music is that?
MCKAY
Wagner. Let's go.
As McKay heads out, Ringawa riddles the hi-fi with bullets.
INT. CORRIDOR - GEBAÜDE VIER - DAY
Masked Hi, searching, dagger in hand, stops at the open door
to the water control room. He looks in.
INT. WATER CONTROL ROOM - DAY
Hi sees Hitler, waiting at an open door across the room.
Hi enters from the corridor. Through the door behind Hitler,
Hi can see only darkness.
Hitler turns and goes through the door, closing it behind him.
Removing his gas mask, Hi throws it aside as he hurries to
the closed door.
With dagger set, Hi opens the door, looks into the darkness.
INT. THE POOL - DAY
Hi comes cautiously out of the control room, looking left and
right.
He moves forward to the platform's edge, and looks down at
the piranhas in the lighted pool.
Behind Hi, Hitler descends, transforming back from a large
black bat.
Hitler, with the spear still in him, moves toward Hi. Hi
turns, Hitler shoves him, Hi losing his balance.
Tumbling off the platform, Hi manages to grab hold of the
edge, his dagger falling into the pool. Hi hangs there by
his hands over the piranha-filled water.
Hitler, growing weaker, steps to the platform's edge, and
looks down at dangling Hi.
INT. KITCHEN - GEBAÜDE VIER - DAY
Diego, unmasked, submachine gun at ready, enters from the
blood factory. He is grabbed around the neck from behind by
bleeding, bloated Müller.
Diego is choking, overpowered. But then Müller, set to stab
him, screams and explodes.
INT. POOL - DAY
Weak Hitler is trying to step on Hi's hands, Hi moving them
this way and that as he hangs from the platform's edge.
HI
Mein Führer, one thing I haven't
learned yet: Can you teach me?
HITLER
What's that, Schütze?
HI
How to turn myself into a bat.
Hitler chuckles weakly.
HITLER
You cannot do it in the daytime.
HI
Didn't you just do it?
HITLER
Yes. But you don't know how hard
it was.
INT. WATER CONTROL ROOM - DAY
Tattered Eva, wearing a new gas mask, enters curiously from
the corridor. She moves toward:
INT. THE POOL - DAY
Hi continues moving his hands, Hitler trying to step on them.
EVA
There you are!
Hitler turns unsteadily, sees Eva step out of the water
control room. As she removes her gas mask:
EVA (cont'd)
Adolf, what has happened?
Everyone's dying.
HITLER
You are all right?
Eva sees Hi get an elbow onto the platform edge behind Hitler.
She feigns horror at the sight of Hitler's spear wound.
EVA
Adolf, what an ouch!
(moving to him)
You will die with that thing in
your heart. Won't it come out?
Let me help.
She takes hold of the spear in Hitler's chest. As Hi grabs
one of Hitler's ankles:
HI
Now!
As Hi shoves the ankle, Eva shoves on the spear, and Hitler,
falling backwards, goes headlong into the water.
Eva, off-balance from shoving Hitler, is teetering on the
edge of the platform, waving her arms, trying to keep from
falling into the water, where the piranhas have started a
feeding frenzy on Hitler.
Hi, clinging to the platform's edge, can't reach Eva to help
her as she sways, arms flailing the air.
HI (cont'd)
Eva -
Eva falls screaming into the water. As Hi jumps in after her:
HI (cont'd)
Eva!
Surfacing right over to the feeding piranhas, Hi and Eva
begin swimming desperately toward the side of the pool.
Diego emerges from the control room. Submachine gun in hand,
he sees piranhas swimming after Hi and Eva. (There is an
UNDERWATER SHOT of pursuing piranhas.)
Diego begins firing, raking the water behind Hi and Eva with
bullets, till the two reach the side of the pool and scramble
safely out of the water.
McKay and Ringawa, masks off, hustle in to join Diego on
the platform. They look down at the piranhas' feast.
In an UNDERWATER SHOT OF HITLER, his dead eyes stare
from what's left of his face, the piranhas clattering away.
The spear, still in Hitler's heart, is falling slowly to one
side, little flesh now left to hold it up.
Diego, McKay, and Ringawa watch from above.
DIEGO
End of Hitler Part Two.
McKay looks off toward Hi.
MCKAY
He did one hell of a job.
Hi and Eva are catching their breath by the pool.
HI
You okay?
Eva nods "yes."
EVA
Except for the shrapnel. It's a
pain.
HI
I know what you mean.
Hi rubs his midriff. The front of his wet bloody shirt is in
tatters.
HI (cont'd)
I'd like to get these bullets out.
Well, the easy part's over. Now
comes the hard part.
EVA
What?
HI
I've got to lose you again. El
Presidente wants his wife back.
EVA
He can't have her. She's dead.
Hi gazes at her as if to see if she's serious. Eva smiles at
him assuringly. Hi smiles back.
HI
Let's get back for that cure.
EVA
What is it?
HI
Can you handle it?
EVA
Try me.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The Countess sits resting under a tree. Commandos are giving
food and water to the freed captives in b.g.
Diego kneels down by the Countess.
DIEGO
My name is Diego. Are you doing
all right?
COUNTESS
Yes, thank you.
As Diego sits down on the ground:
DIEGO
Tell me, Countess, how do you plan
to get home to Romania?
COUNTESS
I'll fly like a bat if I have to.
DIEGO
I'm not going to be doing anything
for a while. I'll be glad to escort you
home personally - private aircraft -
if you allow me the honor of showing
you Lima first, for a couple of evenings.
I'm sure, after this place, you could use
a fun time.
COUNTESS
I'm sure you know how to provide it.
DIEGO
Is it possible to have fun with a vampire
without getting bitten?
COUNTESS
That depends on the vampire. What
would I do for my nourishment while
I'm with you in Lima?
DIEGO
Well, let's see. I could donate some
blood to the Red Cross, then tell 'em
I've changed my mind and bring the
blood home with me.
COUNTESS
Sounds good. Let's have some fun in
Lima. I promise not to bite.
EXT. HICKENLOOPER MANSION - REESTABLISHING - DAY
EXT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY
BIKINI-CLAD GIRL #1 dives from the diving board into the
water, while BIKINI-CLAD GIRL #2 climbs out. Both are
30-ish and lovely.
Edgar and Doctor Po, both wearing swimsuits and tans, sit
at a table with pisco sours while admiring the girls.
White-suited Diego arrives.
EDGAR
Diego! Welcome. How was the trip
to Transylvania?
DIEGO
Good. But I was worried the whole
time about Hi and Eva's cure.
EDGAR
This is Diego Vara.
PO
Yes, I believe we have met.
As Diego and Po shake hands:
DIEGO
At your lab in Buenos Aires. I am
glad you are here, Doctor Po.
EDGAR
(to Diego)
Tell me, do they have French
bikinis in Peru? These are the
first ones the doctor has seen.
Sitting down, Diego looks at Girl #2 on the diving board,
Girl #1 climbing out of the water.
DIEGO
Oh, we Peruvians are much too
conservative for such skimpy
apparel. How are they doing,
Doctor?
PO
Wonderfully. They are both splendid
creatures.
EDGAR
(to Po)
I think he means Hi and Eva.
PO
Oh. They are doing all right.
I'll go in and check on them
shortly.
A 40-ish BUTLER brings a pisco sour on a small tray to Diego.
EDGAR
Have a pisco sour.
As Diego takes the drink, the Butler leaving:
DIEGO
Thank you. Doctor, I have been
wondering. How did you arrive
at the cure?
PO
The secret was my discovery that
even vampire bats - born vampires -
can be weaned off blood and learn
to eat other creatures.
EDGAR
Who would have thought, with all
the legends and myths about
vampires, that you could lick it
by going cold turkey?
INT. A SMALL PADDED ROOM - THE MANSION - DAY
Edgar and Po, peering in through the door's window from
outside, turn and leave.
Hi and Eva lie exhausted from thrashing around in their
straitjackets.
HI
How you doing?
EVA
I couldn't make it without you.
HI
Same here.
Hi tries to kiss her, but their positions make it impossible.
As they shift around in their straitjackets, trying to get
into position:
EVA
God, I hope this cure works.
HI
It will. Oh, we'll always be
wanting some blood. We'll just
have to be strong.
They're finally in position, Hi's face over hers.
HI (cont'd)
Anyway, it was worth it. We got
Hitler. Together. We got him.
What do you say to that, my first
lady?
EVA
Heil Hickenlooper.
As they kiss:
FADE OUT.
THE END
Return to the beginning of this script.
Go to The New Howell Theater.